You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
