Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
