he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I want to be your penis for a week.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
