After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
