How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
