If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
