My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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