I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
