I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
