You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think my vagina is haunted
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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