So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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