you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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