I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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