Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
