Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
