I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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