i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
