So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
