Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
