just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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