explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
