Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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