we have officially lost it.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
