She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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