I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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