I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
