we're blogging at a bar
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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