I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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