What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You can't just leave with hair like that
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
