Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
