can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
