Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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