im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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