i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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