Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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