Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Four minutes until I can fart!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
