yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
