A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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