The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
