you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
