so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
