I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
