Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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