Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
