Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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