Betty ford says i'm here all night
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
