I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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