Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
