There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
