and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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