The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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