Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
