Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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