There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The ass gains better be worth it
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