Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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