I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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