i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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