Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
